Goodbyes & Pinky Promises

My most recent tweets:

"I'm good at a lot of things but goodbye is NOT one of them."

"First goodbye wasn't as awful as I anticipated...no tears, a bear hug and a pinky promise will hopefully last me 2 months."

God knows what he's doing...and despite the fact that I woke up today with maximum anxiety and sadness, I'm laying my head on my pillow tonight with peace and a smile. I don't understand the Lord's plans, but I have to just go with it.

He's my best guy friend and I can't help but smile that cheesy smile when he hugs me. Though I'm incredibly upset that I won't be seeing his smile for 2 months, I know he's going to be right there waiting on me when I get back in February. He knows the drill...he pinky promised me (and kissed it) that he'd be my person. I can't believe I didn't cry...

She's my BEST friend in the entire world...We're such a unlikely pair, but we're perfect together in our own "opposites attract" kinda way. We had our awkward, "Well, see ya!" goodbye after church, and that's about it. Gosh I'm going to miss her...she keeps me sane.

God is so good...everything is gonna be okay in the end...I'm just trying to have a little more faith. I gotta keep reminding myself that it's not "goodbye," it's just "see ya later."

I'm out.
Cwalk.

#poeticfail

I blog because I can't stop thinking.
Every second...of every minute. Every hour...of every day.
My thoughts are like shooting stars,
Streaking across the black void of my cluttered mind.
Ironic isn't it?
The combined light of these thoughts can outshine the sun any day.
The fear of failure; the fear of rejection.
The fear of the unknown, yet I aim for mystery.
Mysteriousness is a joke.
Transparency and self-disclosure walk hand in hand
Through some distant tunnel of hope.

Stupid Walls.

It never freaking fails. I guess it's true that you always want what you can't have. It's as if the universe is constantly playing the world's cruelest joke on me...every single time. I'm always the hardass, the one who refuses to open up...but the second I even consider letting my wall down...ROADBLOCK. Why is it just not meant to work out?? I'm not even talking solely about relationships, but even just friendships. I just don't understand. Maybe I have weird expectations of others. I mean, it's not difficult to see that I'm the common factor here...it has to be something I'm doing wrong. Am I so emotionally damaged/scarred that I can't even function in a productive, functional friendship? How pathetic is that?

Relationship wise, I'm terrified of getting hurt...again. It's like the same old story, over and over and over. I know God knows what He's doing, and I know that He's got somebody out there waiting for me. Whoever He has for me will fight to know the real me, and I guess I expect all the walls to somehow just magically fall down and disintegrate. Is that even realistic? Probably not...

I confuse myself.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Yay! Visiting Jessica in Florida! :) Love my Partner in Crime!

Fearless...yeah right.

I don't know what to do. I can't know the future, and I can't make decisions based upon my unfulfilled dreams, because who knows if they ever will come true? It's frustrating, because I don't want to mess up the present for fear of the future. I don't want to focus so much on what I want months and years from now that I can't see the opportunities right in front of my eyes. It literally hurts my heart to think that I can make one wrong decision and end up alone.

Fearless : Colbie Caillat

If that's the way you love
You've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends
And I'm alright within
Never going to see me cry
Cause I've cried

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

If it's between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I'm still sad we've loved
And if I end up lonely
At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love

So go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless
Fearless...

Distance.

I joke around a lot, but underneath the laughs and smiles, there's a hint of ironic seriousness. Often times, I find myself joking about the things closest to my heart, and then I step back and realize how I really feel about the issue at hand. I'm not a fan of change. In fact, I despise it with a passion. I don't like giving up, admitting that I've failed, or letting go of broken dreams. I feel myself slowly doing the very thing that I loath, and I can't stop it. The distance keeps growing between what I want and what I truly need at this point in my life. I hate this. Of course it would happen right before I go to Thailand. But, the more I think about it, maybe some unknown guarding angel is preparing me for what I must deal with while I'm over there. Distance. God, I wish I could know the future. I wish I could wear those eternal goggles every second of the day so I could see the big picture ever time my heart hurts, every time it starts to crack a little bit and whisper in quiet reminiscence of that same old pain.

Simply brilliant.

I'm really into e.e. cummings right now.  I love his innovative approach to poetry.
Here's my favorite verse this week:


(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands


...I mean really?  Who comes up with that?  Simply brilliant.


I'm out.
Cwalk.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving, so I feel it's only appropriate for me to list some things I'm thankful for. So here we go...

• I'm thankful for the way my mom listens to me and makes me feel better when I'm upset.
• I'm thankful for the way God is using a friendship to change both of us for the better.
• I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to Thailand.
• I'm thankful for the way God is working out my future, even if I don't understand everything.
• I'm thankful for that this semester is almost over...taking 19 hours was the worst idea ever.
• I'm thankful for the journey...though I don't know the end to my story, writing it is half the fun.
  
• I'm thankful for the unknown...even if it's terrifying, it forces me to have faith and trust God.
• I'm thankful for my scholarship to Lee...that has provided me with more than I ever could have asked for.
• I'm thankful for Jesus' sacrifice...I know that sounds cliché, but it's so true.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Dreamer.

It's no surprise that I find myself over-analyzing things most of the time. I try so hard to be content. I try to rely on the Lord for everything, accepting the fact that I'm not meant to understand it all. I know there's beauty in the mysterious, but it's difficult to see that beauty though the clouds of uncertainty.

This is going to sound weird, but I'll try to articulate it anyway. After you fall in love with someone, isn't it kind of an injustice to those who follow? I believe that hearts can be healed, but I'm just saying that I've been in love before, and it feels as if he still has part of my heart. I want to be able to give my whole heart to the man I marry, but how is that even possible after someone has claimed part of it? I guess this is just one of those things I think about too much.

I always think about getting married...and I hate it! I don't want to wish and dream my life away! I want to enjoy the here and now and quit focusing on the future. But it's ridiculous how often I find myself talking about marriage and children and all that mess. I guess I'm beginning to realize what my dreams really are. Sure, I want to be an astronomy professor and that's for sure one of my dreams. But, even more than that, I think I can finally admit that I want a family of my own more than anything in the world. I want a husband who understands me, who really gets me. I want to marry my best friend and grow into old grandparents together. I want to have kids and watch them play basketball and sing in choirs. I want to have that cute little family who walks in church and makes everyone smile and say, "Aww...they're cute." UGH! I've never been like this before and it freaks me out! I know I'm not ready to just run off and get married right now...but I think about it all the time. I want my fairy tale wedding...Forever dance and all!

Once again, I know God's got all that in the palm of His hand. He knows what he's doing, so I have no choice but to trust Him. I try to be 100% honest when I pray that His will be done and not my own. I'm still trying to fully understand Psalm 37:4. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I am doing my very best to find my delight in Him, my purpose in Him, my everything in Him. And my heart's desires stay the same. If He's put those desires in my heart, surely he wouldn't not let them come to fruition right? That seems so cruel, and I know I don't serve a cruel God. I don't think God gets pleasure out of dangling my desires in front of me, knowing full well that He has no intentions of allowing at least some of them to be fulfilled. I don't know. Maybe I'm rationalizing. It all comes down to faith, and I need to pray for more.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

The Tringle

This semester has been the hardest yet. I've been utterly overwhelmed with school, work, Epsilon, family, friends...everything. I've been lazy when it comes to my spiritual life, but I feel so renewed as of late. I've been praying continually throughout the semester, and that's about all that's helped me hold it together. But just within the past week, I can tell that I'm drawing nearer to Him and He to me. I'm really working on my life and focusing more on seeing things through my "eternal goggles" rather than seeing things in the here and now. I'm working on seeing the big picture, in light of eternity. I have several people in my life who I can tell are changing me for the better. It's like the whole triangle philosophy where two people are at the bottom two corners and God is at the top. I'm being encouraged, challenged, and forced to rely on God thorough these friendships, and I'm so thankful.

I have many fears when it comes to moving to Thailand. One fear is finding out who my real friends are. Sadly, I'm perfectly content living in blissful ignorance when it comes to that, but I know I need to find out sooner or later. Both of my friends, Caleb and Rebekah, told me to look at it as an opportunity, rather than be afraid of it. Deep down, I know they're right, but it's still scary to think that I'm going to leave with tons of "friends" and come back in two months with only a few. I'm sure I will be thankful for that knowledge in the long run, but I know the process of finding out who really cares about me will be hard. I guess only time will tell.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Bipolar Much?

I saw an old friend today and she asked me how I've been doing. I answered with one simple word - Bipolar. I feel like I'm either on top of the world or in the lowest valley, and the roller coaster fluctuates on a daily basis. I try not to base my emotions on any one situation, person, thought, or event but it's honestly kinda hard to refrain. A lot of the time, I feel like the back up plan. I also find myself failing to follow my own advice over and over again. I must be masochistic or something because I keep going back to the origin of my discontentment...as if the pain is soothing in some weird twisted way. I don't understand myself at all. I know Thailand is going to be good for me, but I still have mixed emotions about it. I think I'm more scared of coming home than actually leaving here. I'm also dreading the knowledge of who my real friends are...I'd love to live in blissful ignorance for a while longer, but I know eventually I'm going to have to cross this bridge eventually. Might as well rip it off like a bandaid. I hope those whom I've grown close to recently will come through for me and prove their friendships. I'm so terrified of being disappointed...

I'm out.
Cwalk.

And so it begins...

It's already happening. In the words of Peyton Sawyer (One Tree Hill), "People Always Leave." I hate this. I'm not good with goodbyes. I'm not okay with everyone moving on with their lives, parting ways and pretending that we'll all keep in touch, when in reality, we all know it will never ever be the same again. I've seen people graduate and move away, only to turn into an occasional missed call or Facebook comment. It freaking sucks! I know change is the only constant thing in the universe, but I can't make myself accept it with open arms. I fight it...hard. Tears can't make it better. My heart hurts. It sucks that I've finally found my group, my niche here at Lee, and it's all disappearing, like sand through my fingers. It seems cruel of God to allow me to get close to people, only to have them leave. I know the cliche notion that one's true friends will remain, but that means nothing to me at this point. I just can't do this. May keeps staring me in the face, everyday, every moment of the day. And I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing or who will remain in my life. Everything is uncertain, a mystery. The beginning of the end is happening, and I don't know what to do.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Brand New Day

Well, I woke up this morning (after hitting the "snooze" button 50 times) and decided that today is a new day. I have a text message from my mom that I saved, and I read it everyday. Here's what it says,

"Don't try not to care. Just try to go with the flow and wait. Enjoy the good, don't sweat the bad, and trust GOD not anyone else for the outcome. It's HIS timing, not yours. Also don't let circumstances make you a resentful person who hates people. Just be who you are and leave the rest to God. You're gonna be fine."

If only it was easy to implement these words. It all sounds so good in theory, but in reality, the most difficult thing to do is let go and surrender control. I read a quote the other day that said, "I never lost anything that I gave into the hands of God."

The theme of this season of my life is "waiting." I'm waiting for my future to unfold; I'm waiting on some ole boy; I'm waiting to see what God's going going to do in my life. Really, I'm just trying to figure out His will for my life, but I get so distracted. I am for sure a sinner, saved by grace, but I find it so hard to resist temptation sometimes, especially when I'm not 100% focused on God like I should be. I'm trying to refocus and reevaluate my life right now, so I know that I'm heading in the right direction. With so many life-changing decisions on my horizon, I have no choice but to be safely surrounded by God and His will for my life.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

My First Post

Well, here I go. I'm creating this blog as an outlet. I'm not going to pretend that I have enough time in the day to keep this updated, but I promise I'll try for my own sanity. So many thoughts race through my head throughout the day, and I feel like if I get at least some of them out, I might be able to figure myself out. Ok wait...who am I kidding? Though I love simplicity, I'm a complicated mess most of the time. I just know that I don't verbalize half of what I think, and it's got to come out sometime or I'll explode eventually. Well, until next time...

I'm out.
Cwalk.