Distance.

I joke around a lot, but underneath the laughs and smiles, there's a hint of ironic seriousness. Often times, I find myself joking about the things closest to my heart, and then I step back and realize how I really feel about the issue at hand. I'm not a fan of change. In fact, I despise it with a passion. I don't like giving up, admitting that I've failed, or letting go of broken dreams. I feel myself slowly doing the very thing that I loath, and I can't stop it. The distance keeps growing between what I want and what I truly need at this point in my life. I hate this. Of course it would happen right before I go to Thailand. But, the more I think about it, maybe some unknown guarding angel is preparing me for what I must deal with while I'm over there. Distance. God, I wish I could know the future. I wish I could wear those eternal goggles every second of the day so I could see the big picture ever time my heart hurts, every time it starts to crack a little bit and whisper in quiet reminiscence of that same old pain.