Goodbyes & Pinky Promises

My most recent tweets:

"I'm good at a lot of things but goodbye is NOT one of them."

"First goodbye wasn't as awful as I anticipated...no tears, a bear hug and a pinky promise will hopefully last me 2 months."

God knows what he's doing...and despite the fact that I woke up today with maximum anxiety and sadness, I'm laying my head on my pillow tonight with peace and a smile. I don't understand the Lord's plans, but I have to just go with it.

He's my best guy friend and I can't help but smile that cheesy smile when he hugs me. Though I'm incredibly upset that I won't be seeing his smile for 2 months, I know he's going to be right there waiting on me when I get back in February. He knows the drill...he pinky promised me (and kissed it) that he'd be my person. I can't believe I didn't cry...

She's my BEST friend in the entire world...We're such a unlikely pair, but we're perfect together in our own "opposites attract" kinda way. We had our awkward, "Well, see ya!" goodbye after church, and that's about it. Gosh I'm going to miss her...she keeps me sane.

God is so good...everything is gonna be okay in the end...I'm just trying to have a little more faith. I gotta keep reminding myself that it's not "goodbye," it's just "see ya later."

I'm out.
Cwalk.

#poeticfail

I blog because I can't stop thinking.
Every second...of every minute. Every hour...of every day.
My thoughts are like shooting stars,
Streaking across the black void of my cluttered mind.
Ironic isn't it?
The combined light of these thoughts can outshine the sun any day.
The fear of failure; the fear of rejection.
The fear of the unknown, yet I aim for mystery.
Mysteriousness is a joke.
Transparency and self-disclosure walk hand in hand
Through some distant tunnel of hope.

Stupid Walls.

It never freaking fails. I guess it's true that you always want what you can't have. It's as if the universe is constantly playing the world's cruelest joke on me...every single time. I'm always the hardass, the one who refuses to open up...but the second I even consider letting my wall down...ROADBLOCK. Why is it just not meant to work out?? I'm not even talking solely about relationships, but even just friendships. I just don't understand. Maybe I have weird expectations of others. I mean, it's not difficult to see that I'm the common factor here...it has to be something I'm doing wrong. Am I so emotionally damaged/scarred that I can't even function in a productive, functional friendship? How pathetic is that?

Relationship wise, I'm terrified of getting hurt...again. It's like the same old story, over and over and over. I know God knows what He's doing, and I know that He's got somebody out there waiting for me. Whoever He has for me will fight to know the real me, and I guess I expect all the walls to somehow just magically fall down and disintegrate. Is that even realistic? Probably not...

I confuse myself.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Yay! Visiting Jessica in Florida! :) Love my Partner in Crime!

Fearless...yeah right.

I don't know what to do. I can't know the future, and I can't make decisions based upon my unfulfilled dreams, because who knows if they ever will come true? It's frustrating, because I don't want to mess up the present for fear of the future. I don't want to focus so much on what I want months and years from now that I can't see the opportunities right in front of my eyes. It literally hurts my heart to think that I can make one wrong decision and end up alone.

Fearless : Colbie Caillat

If that's the way you love
You've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends
And I'm alright within
Never going to see me cry
Cause I've cried

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

If it's between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I'm still sad we've loved
And if I end up lonely
At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love

So go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless
Fearless...

Distance.

I joke around a lot, but underneath the laughs and smiles, there's a hint of ironic seriousness. Often times, I find myself joking about the things closest to my heart, and then I step back and realize how I really feel about the issue at hand. I'm not a fan of change. In fact, I despise it with a passion. I don't like giving up, admitting that I've failed, or letting go of broken dreams. I feel myself slowly doing the very thing that I loath, and I can't stop it. The distance keeps growing between what I want and what I truly need at this point in my life. I hate this. Of course it would happen right before I go to Thailand. But, the more I think about it, maybe some unknown guarding angel is preparing me for what I must deal with while I'm over there. Distance. God, I wish I could know the future. I wish I could wear those eternal goggles every second of the day so I could see the big picture ever time my heart hurts, every time it starts to crack a little bit and whisper in quiet reminiscence of that same old pain.