I'm falling apart...I'm barely breathing.

Words can barely describe the place that I'm in right now. Falling apart is an understatement. With so many questions racing through my mind, and my heart stopping and starting in confusion, the only direction I have to look is heavenward...yet, no answers fall.

With the fighting and riots happening in Bangkok, it's really just all up in the air at this point as to whether or not I'll end up there in 25 days. I know God knows what he doing, but my faith is lacking, though it hurts to it admit such a thing. I've cried every night for the past few days, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can also feel myself pushing people away from me, and even though I hate myself for it, I can't seem to stop. I talked to Eric last night about everything that's been worrying me, and he really made me feel better...he's always been a good shoulder to cry on, and like I tell him, as long as I feel better and smile now, that's all that really matters.

He said one thing that I will never forget...."It's called obstacles. You have to be able to get over them...You're full of options and God knows that. So don't question what is going on. Life throws curve balls. You either let a good opportunity pass or you knock it out of the park."

I'll give him quote of the day for that one I guess...because he's exactly right, always the voice of reason. I really am trying to just calm down and just focus on the things that mean the most to me. I know God will work out everything for Thailand...if He's got me this far, and I continually seek His will, surely He will put me exactly where He wants me. (And just so you know, I wasn't this rational last night...I was actually quite hysterical. 24 hours has come and gone, and I've gained a better perspective and sense of peace...though a little more would be nice.)

So that is all...I'm still struggling, but I'm focusing on faith. God's got me in the palm of His hand...and I think He can also handle my relationships, schoolwork, future, and everything else that I worry too much about.

I'm out.
Cwalk

Seriously?! Seriously.

After a year of oblivion and naivety...I realized with a little bit over a month left here that I've found something. The real question is...is it worth fighting for?

Distracted.

I have so much to do...it's absolutely ridiculous! Visas, flights, yard sales, taxes, bills, student teaching stuff, and all sorts of other things are just bogging me down right now! UGH! I feel as though I can't even breathe! My excitement is escalating with each passing day. I think the count right now is 55 days until I leave! How crazy is that?! I'M MOVING TO BANGKOK, THAILAND!!!!! Wow. I'm so relieved to know that I have friends there...even if it they are just my coworkers at BCC and Adam and Alex (the 2 British boys from Koh Samet). I talked to Alex a few days ago and he said that they'll be in Bangkok for a few months, so I'm super stoked that I'll be able to hang out with them. I can't stop thinking about it really...it's just so hard to even concentrate on things in the here and now. Ugh. Stupid student teaching. Stupid teacher work sample. Stupid paperwork. I hate it all! I just want to be in Bangkok right now!

Ok ok ok...I'll stop whining. But for real though...I swore to myself that I'd write a lot on this dang 30-page paper today and I've seriously done one page. UGH. Kill me now.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Fading.

I can feel myself fading into the background. Everything is a constant reminder that I'm on a time line. My Cleveland hourglass is quickly running out of sand, and with that always twinging in the back of my mind...the insignificance of most things slowly melts into oblivion in light of May 9th. It's liberating, really, knowing that it less than 2 months I will be living on the other side of the world, basically starting a new life from scratch. Ironic isn't it, how I dreaded going to Thailand in January for what seemed like forever, but really was only 7 short weeks. And now look at me...moving back to the same place that haunted me back then, only now the allure and mystery of a brand new life in Bangkok greets me with open arms. My willingness to go has actually surprised me, and my excitement is most certainly overwhelming at times. I feel as though I've transitioned from a "waiting" period in my life to a season of action and change. Everyday I see the hand of God move...answering prayers that I've been praying for months and even years. I feel myself letting go of those things that only hold me back from what God's called me to do. There's really no better place to be than in the center of God's will...His good, pleasing, and perfect will. (That's somewhere in Romans I think...)

I can feel myself pushing people away already, too. Knowing that I'm going to be gone makes it hard to really find the desire to pour into people and put effort into friendships that are destined to fail, or at least be put on hold for a while (aka: a year +). Who knows...maybe that's just a bad habit I need to kick. I'm just admitting it now I guess. Maybe this independence thing is going to my head. Probably.

I know that when I return to Thailand, I return with a mission and a calling. I return alone, with no one...no one to get dinner with every night at the Paragon food court; no one to sing duets with at karaoke; no one to hit up the beach with on the weekends. Alone. Flying solo. Independent. But allow me to escape from my pity party for one moment and say that I really am stoked that Adam and Alex will be back in Bangkok for a few months. That just makes my heart smile, knowing that at least I have a few people I know to hang out with. And perhaps my dad can rest easy knowing that at least for a few months, I'll be protected by big strong British boys. Haha. I might dye my hair back brown, too...maybe then I won't stick out like a sore thumb and get taken.

Ok...I'm tired now. I'm gonna go to bed because I have a grand total of 5 hours before I have to wake up and get ready to teach cocky 8th graders. Ugh...not as fun as I had hoped.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Spiritual Warfare

So ever since I decided that I'm going back to Bangkok, the spiritual warfare has just been overwhelming. I feel like I've just straight up pissed the Devil off, but I don't care. I feel so close to God right now, and it's amazing! I seriously woke up from a dead sleep this morning in prayer, and I don't even know how that happened! So I can tell Satan is trying to take away every bit of peace that I have right now by throwing me curve balls left and right. But hey, I think I'm gonna give God credit for allowing him to hit me with curve balls because it's essentially making me rely on Him more and stretching and growing my faith. Though it sucks, I welcome it because I'm becoming a stronger Christian and disciple of Jesus Christ.

So, Allison is no longer returning to Thailand, and that feels weird. It was heart-breaking to find out that news, and I can't even imagine living in Thailand without her, but I still feel like God's calling me to return, even if it's alone. Talk about a step of faith! My purpose still remains. And I know that if it God's will for me to return, He will work it out perfectly, so I am trying to just give up every bit of worry, anxiety, and uneasiness to Him. "Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) If it's God's will for me to return, then that's what will happen...doors will open and paperwork will be official and all the minute details will fall into place perfectly. If it's not His will for me to go back, then He has a greater purpose for me elsewhere. Any way you look at it, I would rather be right smack in the middle of His will for my life (wherever that may be) than trying to force my own dreams and goals. Clearly, He's teaching me to give up my own desires and relinquish all control. It's not fun, but I'm loving the increasing moments of "eternity" when I get a glimpse of the big picture.

I went to Ethos this morning, and there was a guy there who does missions work in Romania. God really wanted me to hear what he had to say, and I know that's the reason I ended up there. He talked about how God calls people to move overseas and how He provides for their needs if they're in His will. He had 6 amazing points, but I couldn't find a pen to write them down (of course), but when I get the podcast, I'll hear it again and jot them down. Haha. But I seriously just sat there with my mouth gaping open as he spoke. It was as if the Holy Spirit was just sitting there speaking directly to me because it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I don't know if this is rationalizing or not, but I really feel like I've sought the Lord about this decision to return. I felt at peace with my decision, and now I'm fighting to keep that peace as Satan tries to steal it away everyday. Surely, if God has given me this opportunity and confirmed my decision in my heart...and I'm trying my best to seek after him...surely it will come to fruition. If you're reading this, please keep praying for me. There's no telling what's in store over the next 2 months. I have a ton on my plate including my 2nd student teaching placement, graduation preparation, moving out, packing, visas/work permits and a whole sea of paperwork. Also, keep praying that I stay in tune with the Lord and what He's wanting from me. I don't want to get distracted for one minute from the things that I need to be focusing on.

Anyway, love all you fine people. If you're still reading my blog after Thailand, you get extra cool points.

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Decision Made.

After a ridiculous amount of prayer, I've made my decision. I've received countless bits and pieces of advice, but my pastor put it plain and simple. He said, "Determine what God's purpose is for you going or staying...then you will have the answer you're waiting for." Well, after a lunch/shopping date with Barbara yesterday, I found myself at home on my couch with about $50 worth of Ravi Zacharias books about Jesus, Buddha, and witnessing to Atheists. And then it was painfully clear to me what answer I was seeking. My purpose...well, God's purpose for me literally plopped into my lap. At that point, my heart felt good to say that YES I'M MOVING TO BANGKOK THE DAY AFTER GRADUATION -- MAY 9, 2010 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And dang it feels good to be right smack in the middle of the Lord's will.

Keep praying for me...this is gonna be huge. :)

I'm out.
Cwalk.

Cleveland...Welcome Home.

Well, it's 3:48a.m. and I haven't even been back in Cleveland 12 hours yet. Thanks jet lag for the late night. Though it's been awesome to see all the smiling faces of my long lost friends, I've still found myself to be completely discontent and fighting the urge to cry at every moment since I've set foot here. I don't even know how to express how I feel, much less try to articulate thoughts racing across my mind. It's as if I'm suffering from reverse culture shock or something in conjunction the the looming, life-changing decision that must be made sooner than I would prefer. I know it's normal, but it doesn't make it any easier. I feel so isolated, such an out-of-the-loop outsider. I don't know any of the popular dance songs or which team is playing who in any sports. I've been updated on everything from "Greek drama" to "who's dating who," but it seems so meaningless to me. I feel like everyone is interested in my trip to Thailand, constantly asking how everything went and if I enjoyed it all...and I truly believe people do care. But they still just don't get it. How can I honestly expect them to, though? That's not fair at all. They weren't there. They can't know. It just sucks. Caleb told me this would happen, and of course he was right. I had to escape to his house tonight, just to take a break from the same old "welcome home" questions and conversation. It feels good to have someone (besides Allison) who really does get me right now; it reminds me that I'm not alone. But, it's like the feelings of isolation creep back up on me as soon as I walk away from that comfort, and I'm right back to the same generic responses of "Oh it was amazing" ... "Gosh I had such a great time" ... "It feels so weird being home." Empty words really. But what can ya do? I can't force people to understand...I can't make them get why I'm acting so awkward and weird. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Though Cleveland is weirding me out right now, today was an "I don't wanna move back to Bangkok" kinda day. I'm still searching for an answer to that one...Come on God, give me something to go on here.

I'm out.
Cwalk