Dreamer.

It's no surprise that I find myself over-analyzing things most of the time. I try so hard to be content. I try to rely on the Lord for everything, accepting the fact that I'm not meant to understand it all. I know there's beauty in the mysterious, but it's difficult to see that beauty though the clouds of uncertainty.

This is going to sound weird, but I'll try to articulate it anyway. After you fall in love with someone, isn't it kind of an injustice to those who follow? I believe that hearts can be healed, but I'm just saying that I've been in love before, and it feels as if he still has part of my heart. I want to be able to give my whole heart to the man I marry, but how is that even possible after someone has claimed part of it? I guess this is just one of those things I think about too much.

I always think about getting married...and I hate it! I don't want to wish and dream my life away! I want to enjoy the here and now and quit focusing on the future. But it's ridiculous how often I find myself talking about marriage and children and all that mess. I guess I'm beginning to realize what my dreams really are. Sure, I want to be an astronomy professor and that's for sure one of my dreams. But, even more than that, I think I can finally admit that I want a family of my own more than anything in the world. I want a husband who understands me, who really gets me. I want to marry my best friend and grow into old grandparents together. I want to have kids and watch them play basketball and sing in choirs. I want to have that cute little family who walks in church and makes everyone smile and say, "Aww...they're cute." UGH! I've never been like this before and it freaks me out! I know I'm not ready to just run off and get married right now...but I think about it all the time. I want my fairy tale wedding...Forever dance and all!

Once again, I know God's got all that in the palm of His hand. He knows what he's doing, so I have no choice but to trust Him. I try to be 100% honest when I pray that His will be done and not my own. I'm still trying to fully understand Psalm 37:4. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I am doing my very best to find my delight in Him, my purpose in Him, my everything in Him. And my heart's desires stay the same. If He's put those desires in my heart, surely he wouldn't not let them come to fruition right? That seems so cruel, and I know I don't serve a cruel God. I don't think God gets pleasure out of dangling my desires in front of me, knowing full well that He has no intentions of allowing at least some of them to be fulfilled. I don't know. Maybe I'm rationalizing. It all comes down to faith, and I need to pray for more.

I'm out.
Cwalk.